A Changed Viewpoint

I have been trying to think about how to put all of the ideas that are swirling around in my head on paper without alienating or offending anyone yet still getting my point across.  Joey and I started the foster care journey after a private adoption fell through in January 2015.  It was devastating.  We looked into fostering in the spring of 2015, but the agency we would end up getting licensed with later made it very clear that the goal of foster care is reunification.  We were told that if we could not support reunification and were not willing to see the children in our care leave our home, then fostering was not a good choice for us.  We took this to heart.  At that time, while we were still grieving the loss of the child we did not get to meet and bring home, we were not ready to let anymore children go.  It took a full year before we were ready to take that next step.  In early 2016, we were ready to say that we were okay with children not staying in our home forever, and our foster care journey began.  Most of the children we had were on a path to reunify.  Our first little boy that we had reunified with his family after almost 10 months with us.  I share all of this as a backstory to where we are now.  

Joey and I closed out our foster license in July.  It was not an easy decision.  We are a year into battling to try to become kinship caregivers to a former foster daughter that we brought home from the hospital when she was 2 days old and loved as our own until her biological dad got to take her home when she was 2 months old.  After she reunified with her dad, we were able to stay a part of her life...weekend visits and holiday and birthday celebrations.  She and her dad became family to us.  

We have been walking with her dad through this process, and we have been able to witness the DSS experience from the biological family point of view.  It has been eye opening and discouraging.  We have been treated as unfit parents and have seen the facts of the case be manipulated and changed to fit the plan that DSS has for our former foster daughter.  It has given me a fire to fight for biological families and kinship caregivers.  The system needs change in a big way.

I mentioned in my previous post that I now have a huge desire to find ways to advocate for biological families and kinship caregivers.  Because of our experience over this last year and what we saw as foster parents over the last 4 years, we have realized that the odds are stacked against the biological families from the start.  

If biological families had the resources and networks that foster parents have, I believe that there would be a lot more children returning to their biological homes.  Sadly, there is very little out there for biological families as they try to complete their plans.  There are very few support groups.  I have previously mentioned Moms Matter through Fostering Great Ideas.  This is a wonderful program that provides support for moms who are working to get their children back.  There needs to be more programs like this.  Without these type of programs, there is very little guidance or assistance in getting suitable housing, jobs, counseling, or education.  There is very little to no assistance in navigating the legal system and knowing their rights. 

Biological parents who have their children placed in foster care are not villains.  Let me repeat that - they are not villains.  Many come from a cycle of addiction, mental illness, or neglect.  We have had the privilege of getting to know most of the biological parents of the children we have had in our care as foster parents.  These parents love their kids.  These parents want to be with their kids.  Most of them work to complete the plans set before them by DSS.  Very few of them have a strong support system of family and friends to help them.  There in lies the issue that I see as a roadblock in getting their children back.  I have an amazing support system of friends and family to lean on.  I think a lot of us do, and we take it for granted.  It really does take a village, and these biological families need a village.  They need people to walk beside them, encourage them, help them through the discouraging times, and just be there to listen.  We have had the opportunity to do that with the biological dad of our sweet former foster daughter.  It has been such a blessing for us to get to walk beside him.  We love him dearly.  

The other thought that I believe strongly is that foster parents need to support reunification.  I encourage foster parents to get to know the biological families.  It can be life changing for everyone involved.  There have been several times in the reunification process with different foster children that we have had in our home where if we would have given negative feedback to DSS about our interaction with biological families, it could have meant that they did not get to take their children home.  Let that sink in.  Foster families have a huge say in what happens with the foster child.  I have seen quite a few foster families who want to adopt and do all they can to prevent reunification.  Yes, they fight to prevent reunification.  Sometimes reunification is not in the child's best interest, but when it is, foster families should not try to hinder it.  I have seen a lot of judgment from foster families and caseworkers towards biological families.  I started out in our foster care journey with the same judgments.  But I have a changed viewpoint now.  By the grace of God, I am not in a situation where my children are in foster care.  If I was, I would hope that people would give me grace and treat me with dignity.  Sadly, this is not the reality for many biological parents trying to get their children back.  

Adoption is a necessary conclusion at times in foster care, but it should be the very last option.  When adoption happens, the biological family is forever cut off from that child and the child from their family.  The child can search for them when that child turns 18, but until then, there is no connection.  Research shows that this is damaging for children.  Private adoptions encourage open adoptions now.  Adoptions from foster care do not.  This is something that I think needs to change.  Even if biological parents are not able to bring their children home, should they be forever cut off?  

I encourage you to put yourself in the shoes of a parent whose child has been placed in foster care.  Try to imagine the torment they must feel.  The fear they must feel over the thought of losing their child forever.  The reality of not being able to see their child except for a few supervised hours a month.  Being told that reunification is the plan when DSS plans all along to terminate rights and have the child adopted (this has been what we have seen quite often).  

I have heard so often people say, "I could never foster.  I would get too attached.  It would be too hard to let them go."  It can be hard to say goodbye, but it is also joyful to see a child return to the family they love and miss.  We have had so many wonderful friends and family love on us after we have said goodbye, and that is an amazing thing.  What I encourage people to do is also think about what it must be like for a biological parent to have to say goodbye when their rights are terminated.  They get a "last visit" after that happens to say goodbye.  Can you imagine how gut wrenching and hard that is for the parent and child?  I see very little sorrow or compassion towards the parents who face this.  There are some that do some horrible things and do not need to be around their children because they are dangerous and abusive.  Yes, there are definitely cases like that.  But I think a majority of the parents whose children end up in foster care do not fit that description.  They may have addictions or their own trauma that they need to overcome.  They may have neglected their children without intending to - raising their kids the same way they did because they do not know another way.  I think the majority need guidance, assistance, education, and understanding.  

The foster care system needs a major overhaul.  I cannot stress that enough.  It starts with individuals.  It starts with getting involved.  I believe my viewpoint has changed because I got to know these families.  They are not just names and stories to me anymore.  They are real people with real feelings.  They need love and support, and it starts with us.  It starts with me.  

Looking Ahead

It has been a very long time since I wrote anything on this blog.  We have been on the foster care journey now for over 4 years.  We have had 6 foster children come into our home during that time. 

Our first little boy was four years old, and he was with us for 10 months before he reunified with his family.  Our next placements were a sibling pair, a 2 year old boy and a 15 month old girl, that we had for a little over 3 weeks before they went on to live with an aunt and uncle.  Our next placement was a 4 year old boy who we had for 15 months.  His 7 year old sister joined us for 4 months before they moved on to another foster family last year.  We also had a little newborn girl for 2 months before she reunified with her dad.

Our foster care journey has been very rough at times but has also included some great moments.  I think the most surprising and rewarding part of fostering for me has been building relationships with the biological families of the children we have had in our home.  We were able to do that with the mom and aunt of the first little boy we had.  Reunification was the plan from the start for him so we worked to connect with the family.  He had to have a minor medical procedure done during the time he was with us, and we had his mom and aunt at the doctor's office with us on that day.  We also texted and sent photos regularly to his mom.  The family was very appreciative of us being willing to communicate with them.

With the most recent siblings we had, toward the end of their stay with us, we began communicating with their mom.  She came to our home on Mother's Day weekend last year to see her kids.  I spoke with her on the phone several times, and I texted her photos. 

With the little newborn we had for the first two months of her life, we knew right away that reunification with her father was the goal so we immediately started communicating with him.  It started with meeting him for lunch at a local restaurant, sending texts and photos, and quickly led to him coming to our home on Saturdays and spending large chunks of time holding his daughter, feeding her, and just being with her.  By reaching out to him and starting that communication, we were able to get to know him.  Once he was reunified with his daughter, he graciously allowed us to continue to have visits with her.  She would come to our home on the weekends pretty regularly.  We have continued to stay in communication with her dad, and we have become an "aunt" and "uncle" to her.  They have both become family to us.  We love them dearly.

The last 2 years of fostering have been very difficult for us and our biological kids so we are pretty sure we will not be continuing on this journey.  We have a desire once our children are a little bit older to adopt a child out of foster care who is waiting to be adopted.  There are websites you can go to that are full of children waiting to be adopted.  Many of these children are older and have been waiting for a long time.  It is heartbreaking to say the least.

One desire and goal that has grown out of this foster care journey is to find a way to help biological parents in reunifying with their kids.  There is a lot of support out there for foster parents, but from our experience, there is not much available to help biological parents work to bring their kids home.  Care2Foster is an organization that has a support group called Moms Matter that assists birth mothers who have lost custody of their children.  It is a wonderful program, but these type of programs are far and few between, and I have not seen anything for birth fathers.  More support groups and programs are needed to come alongside birth families. 

In our experience with journeying alongside the father of the sweet newborn we had, birth parents need encouragement and hope to keep going and to not give up on the goal of getting their children back.  They need people willing to advocate for them and walk alongside them through court dates, family group meetings, and all of the other things involved in working their plans and reunifying with their children.  I truly believe that if birth parents had more people to advocate for them, there would be more foster children returning to their birth families.

I plan to share more as I start delving into this world of advocating for birth families.  As I look back over the last 4 years, it is truly amazing how things work out.  We got into foster care hoping to adopt eventually.  Now we are coming out of it hoping to help birth parents reunify with their children.